I figured I would write my thoughts on it all. After having a night to sleep on it and a day to reflect, I think there has been ample time to gather my thoughts while the encounter is still fresh.
First off, I will state that the reason I’m making light of the situation is because I don’t think what I did was wrong. To be blunt, I was proud of my progress in the gym, thought I looked hot, and wanted to share it. I’m of the mindset that whoever you are, if you are proud of your body and want to show it off, so be it! You do you. There is an odd taboo with the human form (especially in the USA) and I don’t particularly think its a good thing to teach people that you should “hide yourself” as something incredibly sacred. Blah blah blah, that’s a medieval notion.
Secondly, the real problem here was not me sending my pictures to someone, but rather, sending them to the WRONG someone. The real travesty is a misplaced trust, and while I am certainly to blame for it, it is a shame that my private life was somehow forcibly dragged into the public’s perception of me. What is wrong is that, generally I try to stay cool and collected with my prose and a role model for kids (maybe not anymore shamefully) and this seemingly inconsequential act will likely affect the youth’s impression of me. Not only that, but I worry somewhat for my artistic integrity, and my academic integrity. Not exactly ideal, but I’m to blame and I’ll look this incident in the eye like a man. I did it, but I’d be damned if I didn’t own that shit like Beyonce would want me to.
Finally though, and I think that this is the most important part, because of this, I gained 200,000 followers on twitter, 40,000 followers on tumblr, and 20,000 followers on instagram…. It seems to me that the majority of people are actually praising this act as some sort of device to receive fame (or infamy). Why? I have no clue, I don’t entirely condone it though. I’ll make it clear my intent was for this not to happen, and how it has affected me so positively is an enigma to me that rings true of the human condition. Maybe people just like to see others mess up? I’m German by blood, so I feel you on that.
tl;dr? I was proud of myself and my progress since I was 14 and husky, I’m not proud of this incident’s potential lasting effects on my academic and artistic integrity. But I’m making the best of it through humor and I’m getting this shirt made today:
i went to magcon this weekend which is a meet and greet convention with the guys from vine, cameron dallas, jc caylen, mathew espinosa, thats0jack, jack and jack, shawn mendes, taylor caniff, mr. carterr, aaron carpenter and yeah. anyways, i went and took pictures and hung out with the guys after the convention and whatever. so, as i was taking pics, like 2 of the guys kissed me cheek as i was taking the picture and i made a collage of some of the pics and those pics happen to be in it. my boyfriend was mad at me for some reason and i didn’t know why. i kept asking and he kept saying nothing. so i let it go. now i sent him some of my m&g pics and he got mad and called me a shitty girlfriend… i said i wasn’t and started crying. he said letting another guy kiss you is being a good one. and i was confused because i wasn’t thinking about it. so i kept asking him what he was talking about and he didn’t tell me. he screenshot the picture on my instagram and sent it to me, called me a piece of shit and told me not to talk to him. that has to have been one of the most hurtful things he’s said to me throughout these 4 1/2 years. i love him for than life and he is literally my everything. he’s my best friend and knows me better than i know myself. i’ve been relapsing and going back into depression and wanting to cut. this opportunity to go meet the guys at magcon made me so happy. it took my mind off things.
my boyfriend is absolutely perfect. he treats me like a princess and i treat him like shit because i’m mad at the world when he’s only trying to make me better. if you come across this zach, i love you so much. you’re my ride or die. you honestly don’t even know how i’ve been feeling lately. and how hard i’ve been trying to no take my anger and sadness out on you. you make me happy. and if it weren’t for you, i honestly don’t even know where i’d be or if i’d still be here. it seems that every other word i say is i’m sorry. everything i’ve been doing lately has been wrong. but when i say i’m sorry i do mean it. i love you. i love you so damn much and you know it. i’m so scared to lose you, i try to make things better when they’re wrong but i can’t.
and those m&g pictures mean nothing to me compared to you, and tbh the guys kissed everyone on the cheek. there is not one picture of other girls that they didn’t get kissed on the cheek. even the few guys that were there got kisses. i hope you can forgive me, because i feel like i’m gonna be sick. i don’t know. just please don’t be mad at me. please,
i love you babe. forever and always. - olivia rose elizabeth detata